snack.

Snack is moving to Tumblr.

2009-04-19T11:22:00.007-04:00

Friends of Snack Blog,

After many a nerdy internal struggle, I've decided to break-up with Blogger and move Snack Blog to Tumblr. All of my old posts have been switched over and I will start posting new stuff this week. So please, FOR THE LOVE OF SNACKS, re-bookmark and re-link Snack Blog to its new url.

snackgirl.tumblr.com

While you're at it, why not re-bookmark Walter The Dog Blog? He would totally appreciate it.

walterthedogblog.tumblr.com

A few reasons I went to the trubs of switching:

-Blogger has always been a little on the slow side for me both with posting and with viewing (you may have noticed!). I also constantly experience weird pockets of time where it decides to be an asshole and not let me post photos. And finally, aesthetically I've never been impressed with the template designs available and I'm waaaaaaay too lazy to make my own. Would rather be snacking fo realz.

-Kind of in love with the simplicity of Tumblr. The themes are pretty and the posting process is mac-esque. The principal of Tumblr is to encourage writers to post on their Tumblelog in more frequent mixed media spurts, which is what I've always preferred. Each time, you're given six different types of posts to choose from. As in, if something in your day strikes you or your find some rad video of someone throwing up an entire bottle of Boone's on themselves that you just HAVE to share, you throw it in your blog. See?

So easy! And Tumblr makes creating a blog with a friend or group REALLY easy. In fact, Husband and I are starting a new food blog called Snacks and the City about our NYC adventures in eating stuff. Maybe you should go ahead and bookmark that one too, yes?

snacksandthecity.tumblr.com

-If you see something fantastic on another Tumblelog, there is an easy-as-freaking-pie reblog button if you want to instantly share it and give credit. It's fun to be reblogged because it means that someone thought you were funny which is like free therapy.

-The best part about being on Tumblr is being able to not just follow people and constantly see their updates front and center on the dashboard but you can also pose questions on a blog and the answers from readers are sent privately for your eyes only.

-Lastly, I got bored. With Blogger. And sometimes it's fun to have a fresh start even if it's with something dumb like your blog.

If you're curious about Tumblr, HERE'S a link. Should you happen to feel like a blog refresh yourself, I found this KILLLER little spot on the Internets where you can switch all your older posts from Blogger to your new Tumblelog. CLICK HERE! MAGIC!

Note to self: Some things are so magic, they transcend punctuation.

To do: Purchase this for Halloween 2009

2009-04-15T13:11:00.001-04:00

Well, she's got a gimmick.

2009-04-15T11:42:00.004-04:00

One that manages to intensely inspire me and depress me. Now THAT'S talent.

"Before going on stage, Ms. Boyle admitted some self-deprecating facts about herself. She's never been kissed and lives alone with her cat, Pebbles."

See more funny videos and Entertainment Videos at Today's Big Thing.

UPDATE: It should be noted that I found it mostly inspiring. Sometimes my innate cynicism is more powerful than my writing skillz. Evie, I'm with you!

NeverEverland.

2009-04-14T15:59:00.006-04:00

Woah, King of Pop. Sorry you have to sell everything you own. Thinkin' on bidding on a little sumsum to help get me around NYC a little faster.

Self.

yearning to go on vacay.

2009-04-14T12:02:00.000-04:00

Dearest Fae...

2009-04-13T17:35:00.009-04:00

...19 more days until you get here. I'm SO, SO, SO excited yet, at the same time, bracing myself.
CAPEZIO JAW KICK!

OOOOOF HEARD ALL THE WAY TO THE PEANUT GALLERY.

CAM-TOE SLAM JAM!

OH-NO-SHE-DI-INT.

If a girl has to get her ass kicked, better to get it kicked by her best friend. HA!

week recap attack.

2009-04-13T17:17:00.002-04:00

MONDAY
Coulters braved sweaty yoga again. When we got to that one, awful, satanic pose where they makes you sit up on your knees and do a backbend, the instructor suggested that we dedicate the pose to someone. That if we did it for someone else, it would make it easier. Which means I'm either a very bad person or that shit does NOT work. I had to go head down so as not to vom. Then we went home, showered of the nasty and ate left over cuban feast. Toward the end of our feast, Husband handed me his cell phone and FAE was on the line telling me she had a birthday present for me.....HER! HERE! IN MAY!

TUESDAY
Dinner with all three of the Coulter brothers! Jesse was in town for some fancy thing, so we had dinner in The Vil and a digestif at our place while we chatted about really interesting topics like college basketball, NBA basketball and basketball ads. GO SPORTS!

WEDNESDAY
In the middle of a nice little run of working my ass off like a crazy person. I sat in one meeting where my head actually spun around for real. No one noticed, though, because they were too busy deciding that everything we write for their all-American brand is anti-american with sexually explicit undertones. Ate a lot of chocolate at work. ACK!!! Photo of me working last week. No, really:

THURSDAY
Why whatever does a New Yorkish do when she gets off work at 10:30pm after a looooooooooong day of writing? One might think that she goes home to snuggle with a bag of Doritos. Well, one would be mistaken. Apparently, she gets on a train with Husband to hit up a just-off-the-park shwanky engagement party of someone we don't know. They had a hot tub on their roof overlooking the park. Um, yeah.

FRIDAY
Officially exhausted from a long work week, we picked up some slices at Bleeker Street Pizza, some Lemon Cake at Amy's Bread, a bottle whiskey and watched Season 1, Disc 2 of The Tudors. That DOES a marriage make.

SATURDAY
Jam, jam, jammed around town! We went and had the bomb Vietnamese sandwiches followed by a matinee of Adventureland. The movie was a mega-charmer. I recommend. Then we went home to hang out with Walter and eventually made our way out to the East Vil where we enjoyed some dumplings on the late night. I heart food day! Also, food is becoming a major theme in the New York character arc in the series that is my life. Repeat after self: You can't eat yourself happy. But trying is fun.

SUNDAY
Bunny hop!!! Yes, I had to work on zombie Jesus day. But before I worked, we took Walter the Dog to the dog park near our apartment. Husband got peed on by a stupid, dumb, stupid dog that was trying to ruin his day. Of all the people to pee on, that dog had to choose the one that loves his so fresh and so clean jeans and shoes. Poor guy.
And after work, we enjoyed an Easter Feast in Brooklyn with partner and his lovely wifey. Garlic roasted chicken, asparagus, green goddess salad, dutch babies and champagne! Ooh, and a HEATED game of Catch Phrase where the ladies totally kicked ass despite the separated-at-birth nature of partner and Husband's Catch Phrase chemistry. Ooh, and Brooklyn Amanda made us Easter eggs. CUTE!

"Win-Win Exchange..."

2009-04-13T12:51:00.001-04:00

"...as long as the females got fed." Awesome.

Marital Bliss.

2009-04-10T20:40:00.002-04:00

"Did you get a load of that lemon cake? It's the shit."

"I'm bout to get alllll up on that."

Say wha?

2009-04-10T12:02:00.006-04:00

Exsqueeze me? A-baking powder? Lindsay Lohan is only 22 years old? This is absolutely shocking to me. I thought for sure she was at least 28 if not 50. Anyone else surprised that she was born in the late 80's? Don't get me wrong! I live by her stretch pants rule of thumb which goes like this: always wear stretch pants.

I openly admit that I kind of love her aviator glasses-wearing, Pocahontas tan-spraying, capri-smoking, girl-kissing, no-sandwich-having ass. I'm just surprised that she's gotten in so much d-rama in so little time. So today I say cheers to America's favorite little red snapper. This High Life's for you, girl.

Overheard in my office.

2009-04-10T11:12:00.005-04:00

"Want to hear something gross?"

"Um, yes."

"I just blew my nose and a peanut came out."

A photo of my partner:

Overheard 3 minutes later while writing this blog.
"Ow."

A letter to whichever neighbor it may concern.

2009-04-09T20:31:00.007-04:00

Dear Secret Benefactor,

I imagine you're sitting in your ancient West Village Brownstone enjoying a nip of Brandy and spot-cleaning your monocle wondering how you're going to break the news to me that you're leaving your entire estate in my name. I can only assume that you're tackling with issues like, "What is she going to think about an absolute stranger choosing her to bestow my wealth upon?" and "How am I going to show her that I am not creepy, but simply an unknown neighbor who is alone and longing to give to a young person who will truly enjoy it?" I want you, my secret benefactor, to know that I understand. And I don't plan on asking too many questions when the lawyer with the large sum of money equaling your estate walks up the 6 stories of stairs to present me with the check. We're all good.

In fact, I was curious if you have any interest in gifting me a small percentage of your estate early. Like a little sneak preview. A mini-chunk. You see, there's this camera I want to buy so that I can fully and clearly capture my New York adventures.

Here's the link in case you're feeling generous, dear benefactor. Just leave it by my front door. Easy! And sorry if Walter the Dog barks at you. He doesn't even know what a benefactor is.

Lamb's lettuce.

2009-04-09T13:04:00.003-04:00

I have always aspired to be a salad lover. I enjoy a small salad as a prelude to a normal chicken dinner. But the big ones scare me. And it's SO awesome and grown-up to go to a restaurant and order the Nicoise Salad and a Diet Coke with lemon. It's not that I'm a picky eater. I just think lettuce is kind of boring and texturally harsh.

And once when I was a budding Jessica, right after Aunt Flo came to town for the first time, I thought to myself "Well, I'm a woman now. Which mean I shall start ordering salads from now on." So the next restaurant I went to was with my family on a trip to Multnomah Falls outside of Portland, OR. We went to the restaurant that had a view of the falls as a special treat. I ordered the Spinach Salad which featured water chestnuts and those teeny tiny comically undersized corns. Oh, and a Diet Coke with lemon. When my meal came, I ate it with my back a little straighter, LIKE A WOMAN, using both my fork and knife because I saw it on Pretty Woman. And then I puked on myself.

I HATE public crying, negative emoting and especially public vom-ing.

So, yeah, I don't much enjoy raw spinach, evil baby carrots, satanic water chestnuts and am generally weary of most giant salads.

UNTIL NOW.

I have discovered Lamb's Lettuce. Sweet! Tinsy! Buttery! Non-obtrusive! Soft like lamb! Not boring! Lamb's Lettuce! Husband bought some on a whim from Trader Joe's and I could jam on salads all day. I think I'm in lettuce love.

My period-getting self doing the best squinty-eyed Blossom smile I can muster.

LO(mf)L

2009-04-08T16:58:00.002-04:00

HA! Zooming some audible laughter.

New Mantra.

2009-04-08T11:59:00.003-04:00

As seen on the side of a chip delivery truck this morning.

SNACKERS DO IT IN BETWEEN MEALS.

It got weird, didn't it.

2009-04-07T17:30:00.003-04:00

Sure sign that the job market is a little wonky: the local news makes an earnest suggestion that you should go to clown school for job security.

Enter "Bozo The Economy" with one right to the eye from his squirting flower and a wa wa waaaaaaa from a trained rat playing a miniature trumpet. Here's me giving a giant eff you to recession depression. I WILL NOT HAVE IT!

SPEEDY DELIVERY!

2009-04-07T10:15:00.006-04:00

Last night I got zoomed the very tote bestest news in the whole wide world. And as a result of this news, this morning I have the distinct honor of presenting the award for The First Friend To Come And Visit Me In This Awful City Where I Sit Around Missing My Friends.

And the prestigious 2009 T.F.F.T.C.A.V.M.I.T.A.C.W.I.S.A.M.M.F. Award goes to...........

wait for it......................FAE!

Fae! Fae! Fae! Agent Rhinestone! Chloe! Partner in crime! BFF and ever! I mean, she's the one that put the F in Fessica! Last night, with the organizational help of Husband, she booked a direct flight on the lovely Jet Blue for 200 dollars. Recession special! She arrives Saturday May 2nd and will be leaving Wednesday May 6th. The best birthday present EVER. Thank you, to Fazer Bean and Husband for hitting the nail on the MF-ing head. I need something just like this to look forward to. She will be here in 25 days and I can't possibly wait another second.

Tick tock tick tock.

We're going to eat 5,000 snacks, dance down the streets of The Vil in moccasins and ding dong ditch SJP.

Get here, you!

as seen while walking to work.

2009-04-06T16:01:00.004-04:00

Dude, she already has The Sars. Do you really have to go any further? Despite her alleged promiscuity, I think she's been through enough. That is, unless you shared a moment of passion and amidst that moment of passion you contracted The Sars. In which case, you have my permission to slap a ho.

week recap attack.

2009-04-06T11:22:00.025-04:00

Dearest Internets...The other day Husband and I were reminiscing about our life together so far and had a hard time putting together simple details like "What year did we have that sweet little apartment in NE Portland?" or "When did we go to Honduras?". Big things that we should remember. It made me wish that every day I wrote a few sentences about what I did to remind myself later. A low maintenance diary entry. So every Monday, starting with today, I'm going to try and recap my week. It should be noted that this might prove difficult because right now I can only remember as far back as Wednesday.

MONDAY
Most likely went to work, ate snacks and laid horizontally watching something.

TUESDAY
Completely blank. Please send Ginkgo Biloba.

WEDNESDAY
Phew, memory restored. The Coulters celebrated 7 years of dating! I woke up to a delish waffle breakfast prepared early by Husband and then for lunch nibbled on a bento that included at heart-shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Seriously, the door to my heart really is heart-shaped and covered in peanut butter.

Cute! After work I met him at Corner Bistro for our traditional non-wedding anniversary dinner of burgers and beers. The Coulters LOVE burgers and beers and the Corner Bistro is the best. Plus it's literally right around the corner. When we got hope there was a pretty bouquet of my fave flowers (daisies!) waiting for me on the table next to a card made out of recycled materials.

We watched Lost and I gave him some Xbox headphones so he can talk to his buddy Miller in Seattle while they have nerd fun and a gift certificate to buy a new video game. Who's the bomb wifey NOW?

THURSDAY
Three words: Hot. Ass. Yoga.

FRIDAY
We had my partner and his wife over for a Cuban feast. Husband (with help from partner's wife aka Brooklyn Amanda) prepared slow-cooked beef tacos, cuban corn on the cob, garlic tostones, fresh salsa, avocado sour cream and cuban black beans. Washed down with a couple cervezas. Bueno!

SATURDAY
Improv! Improv! Improv! Followed by cocktails with cute work ladies and a birthday dinner for another advertising lovely. Japanese tapas and karaoke in the East Village. Cut to Jessica getting home at 3:30. Don't, self. But a fab night out.

SUNDAY
Topshop excursion with Lovepup! I sure don't hate being in the city that gets cool shit light years before every other place. Two new skirts, one new dress, spring moccasins and a sweet poppy printed umbrella. SWOON!

You can see Lovepup's way fancier blog entry about it here. Followed by a vegan lunch at Moby's little spot Teany in the Lower East Side and then Bro-in-law Dilly joined us girls for vegan sweet treats at Babycakes. Lovepup went home for a nap attack and and us Coulters, joined by Husband and Walter The Dog, jammed up to Central Park where we strolled in the sun, sniffed butts (walter) and watched the dance skaters perform. The night was topped off with a traditional Sunday Night Coulter Family Dinner where we had an Indian Feast in The Vil. Did I mention it was warm out? WARM! THE WHOLE DAY!

Yes, they do.

Come on, Summer. Get here.

2009-03-31T13:48:00.001-04:00

TMZzzzzzzzzzz.

2009-03-31T12:24:00.011-04:00

This just in! Josh Hartnett is being hospitalized for excruciating abdominal pain.

Hmmm...these symptoms sound familiar. Could it be that Josh Hartnett has the Crohn's Disease like yours truly? I hope not, of course. But seriously, I've been waiting for someone of significant celebrity status to make Crohn's the new Darfur. Hit me with a cool t-shirt at least! I mean, if Paris Hilton had it you KNOW they would have found a cure by now. Hot. Hurry, world!

Here's a photo of Josh Hartnett possibly making a nasty disease look even nastier. In a good way.

Here's hoping for more non-surgical solutions than what I had. It would be a shame to bust up that frontside. Ba-dow!*

*Meh, nevermind. I retract that Ba-dow. He's not that cute. But speedy recovery!

I won!

2009-03-31T10:22:00.005-04:00

Congratulations, me. I won this dress from eBay over the weekend. And by won, I mean that I have to pay for it.

It's a vintage "child's dress" but says it's perfect for a small adult. Which is what I am. A slightly comically-undersized version of a grown-up. Hey kids! If you like grown-ups then you're gonna love Lil Grown-Up! Available at a store near you.

New York'd.

2009-03-31T10:03:00.003-04:00

Yet another 5 things that may cause my untimely death:

1. Rabid Central Park squirrel attack.
2. Hair color poisoning from constant re-defining of self.
3. Allergic reaction to cockroach feces.
4. DIY Coconut Water blood transfusion.
5. "Karoshi" (the japanese word for "death from overwork")

A follow-up to this post and this post.

I give Masthead part 2.

2009-03-27T16:33:00.001-04:00

Another HIDEOUS masthead for your bloggy enjoyment. Still pink and still GUH-ROSS.

So you think you know women...

2009-03-27T14:12:00.004-04:00

I adore Esquire's "10 Things You Don't Know About Women" written by she-celebs. Not sure if they're still printing these, but here are a few of my faves featured in the magazine. Insert "I KNOW, RIGHT! You go girl." and a limp arm high-five chick style.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

"I look like a fool in a dress if you're in a T-shirt and jeans, but we look like a stylish couple if you add a blazer. Unrequired fanciness is the cutest thing ever." -Mindy Kaling (writer + kelly kapoor on The Office)
because I love to dress up and like it when boys do, too.

"The best parts of your body don't even know they are attractive. So don't get too knocked out about your six-pack because it's really your earlobes that make us hear the wokka wokka music." -Ana Gasteyer
because of Husband's olive, pheromone-drenched neck.

"Never ask a woman if she's pregnant unless she's in the hospital, feet in stirrups, pushing out a baby." -Maya Rudolph
because this is the worst.

"If you're funny, we will sleep with you." -Julia Louis Dreyfus
because with the kind of girls I roll with, it works every time.

"It doesn't matter how big the bauble, how fabu the restaurant — the time you spent on that pencil drawing of our eye or that haiku written on the vintage hotel stationery you found in Omaha is what truly steals our hearts." -Sandra Oh
because of Husband's handmade cards.

"Beware the vagina, because it can read minds. You should also listen very closely to the vagina. It is a storyteller and a dreamer of dreams." -Maya Rudolph
because it's funny cause it's true.

"Girls like it when you nickname them something smaller than a bread box. Chickadee. Pat of Butter. Baby Mouse. This makes us feel tiny and adorable. Space Heater and Minivan do not." -Mindy Kaling (writer + kelly kapoor on The Office)
because Husband sometimes calls me TicTac.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

for the lub of spring.

2009-03-27T11:46:00.004-04:00

Today is going to be in the sixties. I love the sixties! Bitchin'! Bright, sunny sun. Previously frigid new yorkers actually smiling. Smiling! I'm smiling, too. And in celebration of this day, I purchased myself a spring present on the Interwebs:

Sure to add a nautical spring to my springy step. Also and plus...I'm getting my hair did on Tuesday. Thinking about hitting up some highlights in honor of this sneak peek appearance of the sun. I love you, sun!

No, seriously, I love you.

file under F for Fun.

2009-03-27T11:39:00.001-04:00

if you like, zoom one here.

Dinner plans tonight. Dinner! Plans!

2009-03-26T17:17:00.006-04:00

Plans are the best. And they're even better when the plans are with three other girls. Whole real live actual girls! I can't be completely sure, but I suspect there might be talking and laughing that might occur. And I know for sure there will be eating and drinking. We're heading to Pure, a fancy pants raw food restaurant a la that scene in SATC where Samantha meets Smith. However, I'll take meeting new friends over sexy up-and-coming male underwear models anytime.

Self Bunny Foo Foo:

Oh, baby!

2009-03-25T16:06:00.010-04:00

Why wait 9 months to have a baby when you can have one in 9 seconds? No brainer! All you have to do is CLICK. So many new additions to The Coulter family to introduce you to. Time flies when you're makin' fake babies!

Meet our sweet Jyrus.

And our little troublemaker Ginger Cy.

And our "oops" baby, Bradley Coulter-Pitt. (Husband treats him like his own. SO SWEET!)

And our "oops I did it again" baby, Lil' Chrissy Brown. A messy and often dangerous situation with a cute little outcome!

And, I hate to play favorites but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself. This little one is THE TWINKLE of my eye. Meet Jessie, Jr.

Finally, I can't help but brag about my work partner's latest addition Demonica. SO ADORABLE.

Note: The face of my jess on jess asexually reproduced sponge baby will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days. DON'T. SPONGE BABY.

WILD THING MISCHIEF.

2009-03-25T14:49:00.004-04:00

"...and the walls became the world all around."

There you are, childhood feeling!

Note to self: purchase Wolf Suit for potentch Halloween costume.

dooooooooooooooooooce'd.

2009-03-25T10:26:00.010-04:00

After 6-ish years of reading Dooce every morning, I get to sit down this morning and write a blog about how I met her. Um, awesome. Last night I met up with mamalikes at Barnes and Noble in Tribeca (she used to be one of my super duper superiors at an agency I worked at in PDX and is now my fave cross-country commiserator). She got there early and snagged us really good seats and a copy of the book for each of us. Over the Barnes and Noble intercom, an employee would chime in..."This evening we welcome Heather B. Armstrong to read from her new book 'It Sucked and then I Cried". I love when people who don't normally say "sucked" say it because for some reason they really push it out extra hard and it sounds totally obscene. SUUUUCKED.

At 7pm the organizer announced Heather and she came out to the podium. The crowd was pretty giant and we all cheered timidly and then louder because, I mean, everyone there felt like high-class stalkers at this point. We've all known what this person has done every day for, well, years. I can't say that about most of my friends and family.

It's kind of gross.

When she greeted us she was a little shy and joking about her prom hair and red lipstick. One of the first things she said was "I've never done this before" which is refreshing to hear from any successful person at the peak of success. She read a couple pages on two subjects covered in her new book. SHE. WAS. HILARIOUS. Those of you seeing her in PDX or Seattle have lots of laughs and creepy staring to do. Enjoy yourself.

After she read and did a Q&A, they excused each row individually to go up and have her sign their book. I got a:

For Jess
Much love!
Heather B. Armstrong

Pretty good, pretty good. mamlikes and I each got a photo with her via mama's iPhone (because I'm a douche and forgot my memory card. DON'T, SELF). My pic turned out pretty good. But her pic? I got nervous and failed miserably. It looks kind of like this:

Dear mama,

Please accept my heartfelt apology for buckling under dooce pressure. I tripped at the finish line. I'm a piece of buttered Douche Baguette, the original Douche Bigalow, my homies call me Doucheface Killah and if I was an animal I'd be a Douche-O-Potamus.

Soooo sorry.

Love,

Mrs. Snack

After our dooce lovefest we were hungry. VERY hungry. We both had a little of that familier low-blood-shoog crazy in the eye. Ahhh, I love hanging out with another girl who has the crazy in the eye, looks across the table and says "Fried?"

Yes, mama, I do fried.

We landed at a delicious spot for sushi in Tribeca. They had a Godfather BIG MAKI Roll with Fried Oyster and Gorgonzola that knocked my Lindsey Lohan stretch pants right off. Good book, good accomplice, good jokes, good food inserted in mouth. A tote perf Tues. Cue the BIG MAKI!

It's a quiet 15 minutes.

2009-03-24T16:32:00.004-04:00

Well, my face is totally famous and everywhere. While working at That One Coffee Company, employees were asked to submit photos for a chance to be included on the new label for the "Create your own tumbler" travel cup. You know, the one where you can Mod Podge photos of your kids, cats or drunk fun-having friends to take to work with you as a remember of why you go to work in the first place. College/Fancy Feast/Grandpa's cough medicine.

Anyhooters, I submitted a photo from my honeymoon and it made it in! In fact, on the cup I am the only non-child or non-animal present. I am the only example of an adult that the corporation (one of the biggest corporations!) was willing to print and put forth.

I am the face of corporations.

Ok, that's overkill. But my face is repeated at least 30 times at every Starbucks store in the world. Sip on that, Paris Hilton. I bought one of the cups yesterday while ducking into the coffeehouse to use the bathroom. It went like this:

"Hey barista. Want to know what's awesome? That's me. On the cup."

"Oh. 10 dollars."

Ouch, barista. Here's the label that is inside the cup:

Buy a "Create your own tumbler" travel cup and SUPPORT MY FACE*. And here's the original photo (taken by world-renowned corporate photographer Cyrus T. Coulter):

*All proceeds actually go straight to That One Coffee Company. Them's the breaks.

Tonight. TONIGHT!

2009-03-24T13:55:00.003-04:00

ToNIGHT as in THIS night I get to go see Heather B. Armstrong aka Dooce read from her book "It Sucked Then I Cried". I've been reading her blog daily for many, many years and I am thrilled to be able to see the funny in action and just a few blocks from my apartment no less. AND it's going to be a girl date and mutual Dooce lovefest with THIS
funny chick. Yeah, I pretty much can't wait.

She's reeeeeeal funny and always on lists like "top 20 most powerful blogs" ahead of TMZ and the likes. If you're not a child-bearer, married person, dog-lover, ex-mormon or blogger and are curious as to why you would ever want to get into a mommy blog, here what she's says in the "ABOUT THIS SITE" section:

"My name is Heather B. Armstrong. Some of you may remember me as Heather B. Hamilton. I am married to a charming geek named Jon. We live in Salt Lake City, Utah, with our five-year-old daughter, Leta Elise, our six-year-old SuperMutt, Chuck, and a one-year-old miniature Australian Shepherd, Coco. The chaos in our house is unreal.

I am a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) or a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker. I do both equally well.

In a previous life I was a web designer. I lived in Los Angeles, California, for several years where I worked for drug-addicted executives and discovered what life was like as a recovering Mormon. This means that life was filled with PowerPoint templates and lethal amounts of tequila. I dated several actors and met a handful of celebrities. Everything you've ever heard about Los Angeles is absolutely true, especially the parts about traffic and actors: they really are that bad.

I grew up in a small suburb of Memphis, Tennessee, and graduated valedictorian of Bartlett High School in 1993. The reason I am telling you about the valedictorian part is because being able to say, "I was the valedictorian" is the only privilege I ever got in life from achieving that goal. No one ever hired me because I was valedictorian. The lesson to be learned from this is: AIM LOW. Save yourself the time.

My parents raised me Mormon, and I grew up believing that the Mormon Church was true. In fact, I never had a cup of coffee until I was 23 years old. I had pre-marital sex for the first time at age 22, but BY GOD I waited an extra year for the coffee. There had better be a special place in heaven for me.

I attended BYU from 1993-1997 and graduated with a degree in English. I firmly believe that BYU is the most horrible place on Earth, worse even than Disneyland. The one skill I learned in college that serves me well now is not how to solve differential equations or how to write a paper deconstructing The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, it's how to distrust organized religion. I am no longer a practicing Mormon or someone who believes that Rush Limbaugh speaks to God. My family is understandably disappointed.

I started this website in February 2001. A year later I was fired from my job for this website because I had written stories that included people in my workplace. My advice to you is BE YE NOT SO STUPID. Never write about work on the internet unless your boss knows and sanctions the fact that YOU ARE WRITING ABOUT WORK ON THE INTERNET. If you are the boss, however, you should be aware that when you order Prada online and then talk about it out loud that you are making it very hard for those around you to take you seriously.

This website chronicles my life from a time when I was single and making a lot of money as a web designer in Los Angeles, to when I was dating the man who would become my husband, to when I lost my job and lived life as an unemployed drunk, to when I married my husband and moved to Utah, to when I became pregnant, to when I threw up and became unbearably swollen during the pregnancy, to the birth, to the aftermath, to the postpartum depression that landed me in a mental hospital. I'm better now.

In October 2005 I began running enough ads on this website that my husband was able to quit his job and become a Stay at Home Father (SAHF) or a Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass. He takes both very seriously. This website now supports my family.

I love bourbon, chips and salsa, Britpop, and television that excels at being really awful."

Dooce's dogs on Halloween:

Al and I on Halloween. Tote by chance:

best break-up line: "Peace out forever!"

2009-03-24T12:57:00.006-04:00

Go Netflix The Wackness. Do it. It's a coming-of-age story about a teenage boy in 1994 NYC. Apart from one pretty bad-rogue performance by that one actress previously responsible for 50% of little Michelle Tanner, the movie is great. I mean dope. It's dope!

"Know what your problem is, Shapiro? It's that you just have this really shitty way of looking at things, ya know? I don't have that problem. I just look at the dopeness. But you, it's like you just look at the wackness, ya know?"

An early Late Show.

2009-03-24T12:12:00.011-04:00

Last night, The Coulters had a very-New-York-City evening. Husband took me to see Late Show with David Letterman! We checked in at 4:30 to discover that we'd been picked to be one of 30 people who get to sit in the front two rows. We rolled VIP-style getting to wait inside the Ed Sullivan Theater where it was warm and got some special comedic treatment before seating us.

The warm-up comedian was funny and the band (with Paul Shaffer!) was cheesy and awesome. Finally, David Letterman came out and let the audience ask him a few questions before the taping commenced. Had Husband been chosen to ask a question he was going to ask:

"What do you think Chuck Norris is doing RIGHT NOW?"

Hilarity would have ensued. Instead someone asked him if he regretted getting out of the weather reporting business to which he laughed and said "yeah, I do."

After the Q+A, the announcer (Alan Kalter! The original ginger child!) got to business and Letterman shot right into monologue-mode. He was standing RIGHT in front of us and made long meaningful comedic and newlywed eye contact with me several times. We totally bonded over our striking similarities. Also, the man is iconic and the man is funny. I love the blend of classic, almost outdated joke-telling mixed with more random current humor.

So, everyone totally thought we were there to tape last night's show, but because of all the pesky basketball that's on we were actually there to tape this Wednesday night's show. Which is WAY better in regards to celebrity bang for no buck. And it's sweeps week! Here's who graced the stage:

Christina Applegate (OMFG, so pretty). This was the glam look she was basically sporting:

Also in the line-up was Jim Gaffigan (hilarious comedian) and musician Jesse Harris in a surprise duet with Norah Jones (I mean, I have her CD and stuff). Gaffigan Hot Pocket break:

Holy star power, Batgirl. We have never clapped to a beat and created canned-laughter so much in our lives! If you catch the show on Wednesday night, you will be able to see us sitting on the very end of the second row in an audience shot during the commercial break between Jim Gaffigan and Norah Jones. Right when they say "Jason Segel" who is the guest Thursday night. You might notice my tiny face light up next to the Jason Segel graphic. I mean, it's the closest we've ever been together.

After the show we watched a few of the guests get into their prospective town cars. Husband iPhone stalkerazzi shot of Jim Gaffigan:

Don't, shiny brown head. The we headed back to The Vil for some slices and beer at John's on Bleeker. BEST. PIZZA. EVER.

While we were waiting for a booth, my Cy-Dar went off, looked over my shoulder and spotted this among the thousands of carvings on the restaurant walls:

Also, Husband's name is Cyrus. There. I said it. After our bellies were full and we had pizza glow we went home, snuggled on the couch with Walter and watched a movie. A perfect case of the Mondays.

From the files of one Miss Agent Rhinestone.

2009-03-20T15:09:00.003-04:00

Some stuff and things about it.

2009-03-20T10:43:00.009-04:00

Last night I dreamt the most HILARIOUS premise for a comedy sketch ever created. I casted it in my head with well-known comedic celebrities and watched the whole thing play out. Danny DeVito, even! I laughed and laughed and laughed. The belly kind. Then I woke up and giggled to myself on the way to the bathroom. I went back to sleep and replayed it again. STILL HILARIOUS.

I woke up to go to work this morning and realized it's not funny. At all.

This morning while I was walking to work a man looked right at me and a light bulb went off above his head. He had a brilliant idea he just HAD to share with someone and I was right there. He says, "That's it! Oh m'god. THAT'S the cover of my album. (maniacal laghing) I finally figured it out."

Then he walked off to presumably go finish his debut R&B album.

Sometimes right after construction workers have covered and filled a line of work their doing on a sidewalk, it creates a long black strip of shiny asphalt. That asphalt is the same shape as a carpet. A RED carpet. Sometimes I walk down it and pretend I'm going into a premier party for something amazing I did. Like the premier of THE MOST HILARIOUS SKETCH EVER CREATED.

Fresh Prince of THE Air.

2009-03-19T13:19:00.001-04:00

Today, why not do your job a little different? Ok, off to go rap a Cheerios script to the client.

Let's plaaaaaaaaaaay...

2009-03-18T13:10:00.003-04:00

NAME! THAT! BRAND!
Watch the below viral and see if you can, well, you know. Name the brand.

Hint: YES, I love this brand. Especially their sauce (most of you know the answer by now). And, finally, YES, the canine comical relief toward the middle sealed the deal when it came to posting this for your viewing pleasure.

Click here and see if you have mad ad skillz.

This is the WORST.

2009-03-18T13:04:00.000-04:00

DON'T CLICK HERE. Seriously, try and resist.

How-to: cheer a girl up PART 2

2009-03-18T12:34:00.005-04:00

Ok, ok, ok. So you REALLY want to close the deal on the cheering up of the girl. Where were we? Oh yeah, MEAT. After eating the aforementioned sandwich as big as your head, you're going to be full and so will she. So you walk home. All the way from Times Square, you walk 50 city blocks back to your village apartment. On the way, you should probably pick up a bottle of fancy digestif, which is the latest rage. This would be a good one.

Wikipedia for Fernet states that this type of digestif, called amaro, is Italian which is exotic. It is made from over 40 herbs and spices and not only settles the stomach after a large meal, but it also cures baby colic and cholera.

You might also want to go to your favorite donut shop and pick up some chocolate ring donuts. WARNING: you will be too full to eat these the same night as the meatstravaganza. Don't fret, they will be enjoyable while you're watching Lost the following evening.

So, you're home. Your legs are tired, you pour yourself and the girl who needs cheering up a tiny nip of Fernet, sit down on the couch like an entwined pretzel and cuddle with your small dog named Walter (or whatever clever name you've come up with for your small dog). Laugh about how Fernet-face is similar to Whisky-face (so potent, causes face to scrunch up like an old sea captain).

Then put on your cozies, grab some good books and head to bed. Bonus points if you had previously taken her to the best bookstore in NYC to choose a new book about a French Socialite turned brothel worker. Read until your eyelids get heavy and have a delicious night sleep. Inevitably wake up refreshed causing girl to completely forget why she bookmarked 25 psychiatrists in her neighborhood the day before.

Mission: cheer up girl COMPLETE.

How-to: cheer a girl up.

2009-03-18T10:02:00.011-04:00

Swoop her from her high-demand advertising job before it's dark out.

Drag her by her pigtails onto the train and head uptown.

Crack a few jokes on the train to break the ice queen's near-impenetrable forcefield.

Get off train at 30 Rock (the actual building) and take her allllll the way to the top. The top 'o the rock. Be sure to plan it perfectly so that you can both bask in the sun as it sets (this will require googling "when does the sun set in nyc?" before you leave your village apartment). Don't forget your iPhone so you can capture the cheering up process.

Let your eyes soak in the pretty.

Imagine things like cloud castles and flying dogs named Falcor. Try and blow kisses to the people on the top of the Empire State Building.

Take funny "pinhead" photos.

Laugh about just how funny it is!
'
Then when the sun starts to disappear into the Jersey horizon as Jersey girls everywhere are pressing down extra hard on their Lee press-on nails...

...and when the lights in Central Park start to twinkle...and the urban squirrels crawl into their manicured oak tree beds insulated with extra fat shoelaces and hamburger wrappers from Shake Shack ...

...and as the tourists wearing weird green St. Patty's tinsel wigs at the top of the Empire State Building are wondering if they should go to T.G.I. Fridays or Outback Steak House...

...there's only one thing to do to cheer a girl up. GET HER SOME MEAT.

AHHHHH!!!!!!!! I can't tell if I'm going to attack the sandwich or if it's going to turn around, lock peppercorn eyes and eat me. Don't, sandwich. Don't. Ah, but there's nothing better than a handsome man holding 10lbs. of pastrami and corned beef. I should probably marry this one.

P.S. a perf time to mention that another Heavenly Spy has bitten the dust and started a blog. It's a How-to called HOW WOW POW WOW. Read away!

Dear, image. Cheer me up.

2009-03-17T12:41:00.002-04:00

It might be working.

Ug. It’s just one of them days.

2009-03-17T12:29:00.003-04:00

The kind a girl goes through, or whatever. The kind where you see cute little 7-year-old girls walking with their Greenwich Village Elementary classmates and it almost makes you cry because you can’t seem to grasp that feeling she’s having of just smiling and daydreaming. Fuck, dude. Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever did. And now I’m all wake-up, walk, work, walk, stairs, dinner, movie, sleep, start over. I need to insert one of the following: leave on tropical vacation adventure, deep face to face girl-talk with NWBFF, go shopping with free $1000 bill found by garbage can, write 500 sketches for comedy portfolio and impress entire NYC writing community with said sketches, get a snazzy spring hat.

I wish I could play piano and sing about it. Too bad I played piano for, like, 7 years and have forgotten everything. I also wish I could sew myself a 70’s fairy dress to flit around in all day. If I had a new dress and a new song that I made, my life might be better.

But probably not.

Which one?

2009-03-13T14:43:00.008-04:00

Dream Lois Lane Coat A:

Ooooooor.

Dream Lois Lane Coat B:

So madly in love with the makers of my favorite winter coat. But spring will soon be sprung and whatevers...

stranger date!

2009-03-13T14:15:00.008-04:00

Last night I went on a complete* stranger girl date to a yummy vegan restaurant in The Vil.
It could have been like this:

But it was way more like this:

So today I'm grateful for brave actions, serendipity, easy conversation, fresh starts, inspiration, new ideas and nice girls who don't suck. And I'm grateful for all my friends back home who have set a stunning standard for new people in my life. The bar is high and I'm relieved each time I find someone in the same realm as you. Because it's hard out here for a shrimp. Also, did I mention I miss you all? Le sigh...

*ok, not complete. More like a pseudo-stranger date. Had a blog crush on this and this (as recommended by Amanda). And since her awesomeness headquarters is Brooklyn, I emailed her.

Bitsy strikes again.

2009-03-09T19:12:00.000-04:00

how I feel on the inside.

2009-03-09T18:49:00.001-04:00

almost always.

I can't stop thinking about scurvy.

2009-03-09T13:43:00.006-04:00

Do people still get it? What are the symptoms? How did they figure out that citrus does the trick? Did they really eat oranges like apples, peel and all? Does that even taste good? Should I try it? Where can I find a picture of a bunch of grizzly pirates snacking on cute oranges post-pillage?

What happens when I google image search scurvy?

Oh. Ok.

snack attack!

2009-03-09T13:41:00.000-04:00

Scans of sandwiches for education and delight. CHOMP here.

birfday recap.

2009-03-06T17:31:00.028-05:00

I heart birthdays (that aren't mine). Especially when it's the husband's birthday because I get the job of planning it. And even though I usually over-plan and have a flair for kitschy activities, he always has a good time. Each year, I create a lo-fi invitation. A few examples:

Benihana and Bingo in Beaverton, OR. The bingo parlor was hi-larious.

Zoomin' on go-carts and eating at Boom noodle. This one was seriously the best night out of 2008 for several people. The amount of hours we were able to sustain booze intake and smiles on our faces was unprecedented.

This year it was kind of a big birthday. As in major, epic, a milestoner. The largeness was best expressed using a photo of Cyrus and one very famous basketball player from a work shoot in LA. Photo by his brother Dylan.

We celebrated a few days early in Portland with friends. Dinner, drinks, VIP bowling, more drinks and karaoke. It looked kind of like this:

On his real birthday, I surprised him with a dinner for two at Otto in our hood (delish italian by Mario Batali) and tickets to see Will Ferrell's "You're Welcome America" on broadway. Husband had wanted to see a broadway show, but requested that there by no dancing with simultaneous singing. Nothing gives him a bigger douchechill than dudes in tuxedos doing jazz hands. So voila! Check out how awesome our seats were:

Then we went and got delicious slices of cake from Magnolia Bakery (double yum). For his birthday gift, I commissioned a painting of Walter The Dog from the very talented Amanda. It's Super Walter! And it now lives on the wall in our bedroom. He loved it.

And for your viewing pleasure, a taste of the hilarity that is "You're Welcome, America". Dude, Will Ferrell for president (in 8 years, of course):

Thank you to everyone who came out to celebrate this year (especially those that drove 3 hours from Seattle and dancers who had a show the night before. ya'll = the best).

my inner-10-year-old's name is...

2009-03-06T17:22:00.002-05:00

CARL.

Yesterday we recorded the voices for a spot that's going into testing (as in, before we shoot it the client wants to make sure kids think it's funny). It's kind of a homebrew process, so we do the voices in place of profesh voice talent. Short story long, it turns out that I have the exact voice of a depressed pre-pubescent boy.

I feel a second career coming on...

me + this site = true love

2009-03-06T11:23:00.003-05:00

The Tibetan fox thinks he's better than you

Posted using ShareThis

this is me today.

2009-03-05T15:15:00.000-05:00

too busy writing to write. kiss kiss!

As seen on Amanda's Facebook Status.

2009-03-04T12:13:00.004-05:00

A girl has to wonder if she got it here...

reminder to read her blog little pink devotional. always.

Pink Dolphin = greatest thing ever.

2009-03-04T12:05:00.005-05:00

Have you ever laid your eyes on anything more wonderful? I shall name her Aurora II. It reminds me of an afternoon a few summers ago spent with Fae sitting barefoot on the beach in Santa Monica and having a sea shell contest. Prettiest and tiniest sea shell wins. Then we saw an actual dolphin and named her Aurora. True story.

There is magic in today. I can feel it.

"The mammal is entirely pink from tip to tail and has reddish eyes indicating it's albinism. The skin appears smooth, glossy pink and without flaws. I have spotted it about 40 to 50 times in the time since the original sighting as it has apparently taken up residence with its family in the Calcasieu Ship Channel."
As seen on Geekology.

Oh, to be a Heavenly Spy.

2009-03-04T10:24:00.015-05:00

Remember burlesque? The Heavenly Spies? James Blonde? It was only a handful of months ago that 90% of my brain was occupied with sequins, hot glue, satin, feathers and glitter upon glitter upon glitter for over two years. It makes a lonely New Yorkish wonder what all that grey matter up there is even doing without concepting shows, scheduling performances, editing music, designing (glueing) costumes and practicing every night. By practicing EVERY night, I mean practicing every other night and resigning ourselves to drinking wine and talking about practicing on the other nights. Then again, those were the nights our most chic ideas took flight.

It's like the grey matter has turned into sad, grey jello. Bill Cosby is going to pop out from under my desk any second now and try to give me some fatherly advice. Or a free sweater.

After we were completely unpacked, I found a rogue pastie in my underwear drawer. It's a tiny silver sequin pastie with sparkly numbers that read "52" from a spring baseball solo I never even performed. And it made me cry. A pastie. Made me. Cry. (insert a "there's no crying in baseball, but there sure as hell is crying in burlesque" joke HERE.) What is James ~~Blonde~~ Brown to do? I'm taking improv and killing it at work. Reading books and spending good, qual time with Husband. But I'm looking for something around the corner. And I'm hoping that something is SPARKLY.

Ug.

Pictorial of shows past...

And their new poster sans self...

As seen written on the neighborhood mailbox.

2009-03-04T10:00:00.003-05:00

You are not a snowflake.
We are a snowstorm.

"Mrs. Officer" aka lyrical genius

2009-03-03T19:35:00.006-05:00

BEST LINE IN HIP HOP:

When I get up all in ya
We can hear the angels calling us

So bad it's good. And then it's bad again. But then it's good and it STAYS good. I gotta go call my sergeant and tell him I can't finish my shift because I'm stuck in line at the social security office changing my name to Mrs. Carter.

Go ahead. Take a visual inhalation of the self-proclaimed crack baby of my dreams:

(Yeahh)... Doin a buck in the latest drop
I got stopped by a lady cop
Ha Ha... she got me thinking I can date a cop
Ha Ha... cause her uniform pants are so tight
She read me my rights
She put me in nah car, she cut off all the lights
She said I had the right to remain silent
Now I got her hollering sounding like a siren
Talkin' bout...
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Yea),
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Yea),
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Yea),
And I know she the law, and she know I'm the boss
And she know I can hide a-bove the law
And she know I'm raw, she know it from the street
And all she want me to do is fuck the police
Talkin' bout...
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Yea),
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee... (Yea),

When I get up all in ya
We can hear the angels calling us (Yeahh)
We can see the sunrise before us (Umm)
And when I'm in that thang, I'll make that body sang
I make it say...
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Yeah),
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,
(Like a cop car)
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Yeah),
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Heey)...
I'll make ya say...

Ha Ha... And after we got done
I said lady what's ya number she said 911
Haaa... emergency only
Head doctor perform surgery on me
Yeahh... and now I'm healed
I make her wear nothing but handcuffs & heels
And I beat it like a cop
Rodney King baby yeah I beat it like a cop
Ha Haaa... beat it like a cop
Rodney King baby said beat it like a cop
But I ain't tryna be violent
But I'll do the time but her love is timeless
... Mrs. Officer...
I know you wish ya name was Mrs. Carter huh?
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Yeah),
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee, Like a cop car...

Mrs. Officer, Mrs. Officer
Tell your lieutenant get them cuffs off of ya
I'm kid kid... my face on every wanted poster
I'm wanted by every lady cop all over
That ass so big I catch a battery to hold ya
My hands so big you thought I told ya to pull it over
She pulled me over... pulled me out the rover
Then she pulled me closer... do me in the back of the car
Put me in handcuffs start ripping my pants off
(all you heard on the dispatcher was...)
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee,

Maybe you can lock me up and throw away the key,
Call your sergeant and tell him you can't finish your shift...
Cause it's on... tonight...
Breakfast in bed turns to breakfast & head,
And I can't wait to get it on...
Wanna do it all night long... Mrs. Officer

48 month newsletter.

2009-03-03T11:06:00.005-05:00

Dear Walter,

Many of our friends write sweet monthly letters to their little ones on their baby blogs. They record important milestones, tribulations and especially the funny, quirky things they never stop discovering about their child. All with the intention of being able to show their baby when they are grown up. And maybe in hope of them gaining some perspective from the writings of a young, hip new mom (their mom!) raising them the most perfect way they know how.

Unfortunately, baby dog, you will never speak The English. Nor do you even know about the Internets. Or electricity. You do know that we've move to a new home, but you have no idea how far away it is from your last one. It's kinda like when we make you go into that tiny room (elevator) and wait for no reason until the door opens back up. The good lord gypped* you in the time and space department.

But there are so many areas where you were more than not-gypped. Like the cuteness area, the personality area and the sweetness area. And although you still aren't perfectly trained (and often take advantage of our pillows), you are 1/3 of The Coulters and we are still so in love with you. When I get home, you'll be getting a very special trout feast and a few new toys that still have their squeakers in them. Thank you for being a good boy.

Love,

dog-mama + dog-papa

*My apologies if any Gypsies read this blog. I think your scarves, bells and various caverns are pretty cool.

makes me want to get lost.

2009-03-02T19:13:00.003-05:00

There are not a lot of things I think you should do. But you should watch Lost.

Warning: my next burlesque solo T.W.N.H.* will feature tear-streaked mascara on my face. Because it's beautiful.

*that will never happen

1-800-AWESOME

2009-03-02T15:57:00.003-05:00

Did you know that there is a phone line where someone is there, 24/7, ready to answer ANY question you have?

334-844-4244

My question:

"What rhymes with orange?"

"Sadly, nothing."

Click. Quick, correct and to the point. Try it and let me know what happens.

celeb sighting: Part Tenny Ten Ten

2009-03-02T13:44:00.005-05:00

First off, I am elated to have reached my 10th legit celeb sighting. This means I'm averaging exactly 2.5 celebrities per month. And it should be noted that I'm thankful for never having actually seen a severed half of a famous person. But I digress.

This last Saturday, Husband and I were grabbing some post-Gray's-Papaya-Hot-Dog Gum at a news stand on 7th a couple blocks away from our place. I popped a minty piece in my mouth and we headed to the train station to mosey uptown for my improv class.

We walk a few steps when I notice two tall, pretty girls linking arms tight and walking our way. BFF brigade, twelve o'clock. The brunette? Lowly pedestrian. The blonde? Cameron Diaz! Now there's a hearty womanwich of a sighting you can really sink your teeth into. *CHOMP*

The best part is that we made serious eye contact. Loooooong, meaningful eye contact. The kind of eye contact where she looked at my face, my outfit, and then my face again. I smiled and she smiled back. Did somebody say Diaz approved?

DIAZ APPROVED!

Hold on, I have to go update my resume immediately...........................Ok, I'm back. Yes, it all happened so fast. But is did happen, Husband as my witness. I like to think that we had a bit of a Charlie's Angel/Heavenly Spy moment. She-spies unite! We probably would have had dinner or something, but I would have been late for improv. Sorry, girl. We can't all be naturally talented actresses.

Drinking is for the

2009-02-27T10:52:00.001-05:00

THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!

2009-02-26T17:07:00.001-05:00

And as seen on Kanye's personal blog:

Edie Thursday!

2009-02-26T11:09:00.002-05:00

What am I going to do about the junk?

I miss phones that ring like that...

DREAMING IN COLOR. AND ALL CAPS.

2009-02-26T10:40:00.008-05:00

DREAM REFRESHING BEVERAGE
Coconut water is a dreamy beverage with the same properties of human plasma. "It's a natural isotonic beverage, with the same level of electrolytic balance as we have in our blood. It's the fluid of life, so to speak." It saves lives in 3rd world countries and replenishes the body with magic-like properties. Refresh!

DREAM HAIR COLOR
I know that I just went brunette, but a girl can dream, right? I'm going to slowly work my way up to this Strawberry blonde/brown masterpiece. Bad idea? Hit me with thoughts, my little fashionistas. (please!)

As seen on Sea of Shoes.

DREAM TICKETS
They go on sale today. TODAY! The future is here and the soundtrack is NomotherfuckingDoubt.

DREAM PANTS
I might actually buy these from this chick on Etsy. Maybe they will change my life. But probably not.

DREAM LOCALE
I want to roll around in Mother Earth's vanity. In her pink compact full of powdery, sparkling sand. In her perfume bottle filled with salty sweet sea. I want to take naps in a hammock and swing from a rope like a spider monkey. I want to savor tropical delights and take sunshine and moonlight baths with pretty mermaids, my handsome man and seaside best friends.

DREAM = CLEAR, SPECTACLE-FREE EYES
If I recognized Lent, I would give up negativity. However, I'm not religious and don't really like to give up things completely. So my tiny complaint of the day is that I constantly have red eyes and can only wear contacts for a few hours before I have to go back to glasses for weeks to get rid of the red. I'm so, so tired of going to the doctor. And I hate wearing glasses so much that I'd rather just stay in every night. Ok, I'm done.

DREAM MANTRA
Ok, starting now. Focus. Focus. POSITIVE.

As seen on Shamus.

2009-02-24T15:13:00.006-05:00

Shamus = Husband. Click click! Reeeeeeal funny.

A walk down iMemory Lane.

2009-02-24T13:47:00.003-05:00

GREG RUTTER'S DEFINITIVE LIST OF THE 99 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE ALREADY EXPERIENCED ON THE INTERNET UNLESS YOU'RE A LOSER OR OLD OR SOMETHING.

I hadn't seen this one. HILARITY.

Zzzzzzzupdate.

2009-02-24T13:01:00.002-05:00

"Sorry I couldn't sleep last night."

"That's okay. Sometimes you have night panic attacks. And it really pisses my off."

At least he's honest. I spent the entire night watching infomercials and feeling sorry for myself. Which means the scripts that come out of today are going to look a lot like this:

Ladies and gentlemen, start your Tivos.

I want to punch myself in the face.

2009-02-24T01:55:00.005-05:00

Truly, I do. But I just realized for the first time in my twenty-something years that punching yourself in the face is a near impossibility. Physically, it's awkward to get a good wind-up for a square hit. And then ballsack-wise, I don't have any. It's like how you can't sneeze with your eyes open. Or can you? I'll have to try that one again.

I could use a good, hard MFing punch because I'm having a seriously retarded case of insomnia. As in, I will not sleep tonight. And I so desperately need and fucking deserve some sleep. I have been exhausted and jet-lagged out of my mind The. Entire. Day. And now the subway keeps rattling my brain, the dog is hot and spooning too hard, I'm hungry for one thousand snacks and I can't stop buzzing about reasons my quality of life might possible blow. Plus I think I have restless ankle and wrist syndrome. Not the legs...just the rotators. HELP.

I've tried reading a cheesy vampire book, taking a melatonin, watching Battlestar Galactica, reading again, popping more melatonin, reading, crying, Internets and now blogging. It's like Valley of the Trekkie Dolls and there are not enough pills or nerdy activities in the world to knock me out tonight. I hate me.

If insomnia manifested itself into an actual person, he would look like this:

He's all "Having trouble sleeeeeeeeping? Oh, you are? Well, do you like my ouuuuuuuuutfit? You don't? Tsk Tsk, assclown. The joke will be on you tomorrow when you have to go to your 12 hour job and try to be funny on NO SLEEP." What a piece of shit.

Ok, off to try some bad TV and possibly just make some coffee and give into my stupid life.

I give Masthead.

2009-02-23T15:42:00.003-05:00

I'm going to try, try, try to bless this weird blog with a new horrifically-designed Masthead every once in a while. Yes, it will probably always be pink because I suck and love pink.

Here's the first go...

And it is guh-ross.

Dear West Coast Friends,

2009-02-23T11:02:00.000-05:00

Love,
me

Off to PDX.

2009-02-12T19:48:00.002-05:00

As seen on Ferocious G:

GET ME THERE!

Ripped like tear-away pants...

2009-02-11T18:21:00.007-05:00

...from the headlines.

Article here. Yikes.

celeb sighting: Part Nine and feelin' fine.

2009-02-09T20:05:00.001-05:00

Yes. Yes, I did.

Hunting for Buffalo. Tatonka, son!

2009-02-09T19:24:00.008-05:00

I've waiting a long, long time. Oh, how I have waited. But it is finally here.

Now you can hark back to the permed days! Imagine you're grounded from TV, so watching The Last Unicorn on your Beta machine for the 47th time isn't an option, you're all out of Ramona books and you're little brother is straight buggin' because the only word he knows how to say is "no". So, you flip on the Commodore 64 and play a little Oregon Trail Game and start maxin' like Michael Jackson. Until you die of dysentery, that is. But cheer up, Charles in Charge, cuz it's Wiener Wrap Night and yo moms just bought a new can of Tang. *BURP*

Here's how I did and be forewarned. I'm awesome.

Now if only I could ACTUALLY hit the trail to Oregon. That would be radical.

celeb sighting: Part Eight. Attack of the crazy brother.

2009-02-09T18:56:00.004-05:00

I guess actor Jeremy Sisto lives next door to us. Husband spotted him a couple of weeks ago and was all "That's the crazy brother from Six Feet Under" and I was all "Dude, we need to work out a celeb signal or some shit. Get on my team, Coulter."

The sighting was confirmed this weekend when we saw him. Up in his apartment packing a suitcase next to the open window. Nothing says stalker like actually looking into someone's lit bedroom as they fold underwear for their travels.

Here he is playing the crazupid* annoying brother on Six Feet Under. ZOMG that show is #1. Netflix it. Now.

And of course we can't forget his epic giant-cellphone-holding performance as Elton in Clueless (no, I did NOT have to Google the character's name). Cause I'm rollin' with the homies.

*crazupid: both crazy and stupid. I did have to google that one.

celeb sighting: Part Seven. Please, feel free to inspect them.

2009-02-09T10:31:00.008-05:00

Last week on my way home from another late night at work, I was walking through The Vil and talking to Amanda on my celly. We were discussing her music and trying to concept words that would be used to describe her music for some promo items she's putting together.

We were throwing words around like "ethereal", "sweet but dark", "cozy" and "fragile".

I might as well have been saying "Seymour Hoffman, Seymour Hoffman, Seymour Hoffman" in the style of Beetlejuice because he suddenly appeared. Philip, that is. Not a dead-tranny version of Michael Keaton. He was eating a snack and talking fancy-film-talk in the window of the Hudson Diner. Being angsty in a crappy diner is SO him and I love it. I said "I'm staring at Philip Seymour Hoffman". Staring is right.

It was fun to have a Best Coast buddy on the phone. It was like we both had a star sighting. I knew he lived close to me and was definitely on my list of top 10 famous peeps to see.

Here he is in my all-time favorite roll of his. Obvs, Brandt. Devoted asssitant to Mr. Lebowski. The millionaire.

Bunny Lebowski: I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.
Brandt: Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We're all, we're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.
Bunny Lebowski: Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.
Brandt: Ah haha. That's marvelous.
The Dude: Uh, I'm just gonna go find a cash machine.

Feast your ears on my Philip Seymour Hoffman sighting soundtrack
while you're at it. Ad friends, be the first to use one of her songs in a spot before she's famous and too cool for school. Sounds like this:

(note: also my costume for dream burlesque comeback solo debuting in Spring of 2011)

I want to be...

2009-02-09T10:09:00.002-05:00

ON A BOAT!!!!!!!! Pick me uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.

Dream Omelet.

2009-02-06T16:03:00.002-05:00

Sorry Robin Williams, I prefer stirring my Dream Omelet with a unicorn horn.

Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' From Recipe That Came To Him In A Dream

You know it's hard out here for a shrimp.

2009-02-05T18:18:00.001-05:00

That's all.

It's called Magic.

2009-02-05T16:27:00.002-05:00

Click, click and then click again. The more you click, the more I love you.

Pass the tissues, we all got issues.

2009-02-05T13:56:00.003-05:00

(an oldie but SUCH a goodie)
Gay Robot

Ahhh, pubes.

I did something.

2009-02-05T01:49:00.000-05:00

Observations-on-moving blog ALERT. When will these end?

Putting distance between me and my friends and family was the worst part about Adventure Club*. But the second worst part was leaving my position on The Heavenly Spies. Ow ow ow ow. Ouch. Ow. It actually physically hurts to not have that fill at least 50% of my time and creative brain space. If that little kid from Jerry Maguire is right and the human head weighs 8 pounds, then The Heavenly Spies took up at least 5 of those LB's. And beyond thinking about costumes and music and photoshoots, what I miss most is performing. While I might not be the best trained dancer, I'm pretty okay at the smiling, winking and comedic timing thing. There is nothing like getting a whole room of people, albeit drunk people, to laugh whole-heartedly. And laugh with you and not at you, no less! I live for it.

Math says that if I live for performing and I stop performing then I'll die, right? No. Worse will happen. I will turn into a cold bowl of gelatinous, uninspired, lumpy Cream of Person. Grab your plastic sporks, because I'm on my way.

So, I did something.

At the beginning of January, I signed up for an Improv class at Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater. It starts on the last Saturday in February and involves eight 3-hour improv sessions, watching two shows at the theater and one long-form improv comedy performance of our own. Yikes. Bring on the drunkards. The teacher looks really cool and he plays one of the "writers" on 30 Rock which lives close to the top of my list of funniest shows, like, ever.

As Husband noted, most people dream of moving to NYC or LA and pursuing something like this. I just happen to be here, so why not? My main motivation is to follow Improv 101 with UCB's sketch comedy writing class where they help you get your book together for entertainment-based comedy writing. Wouldn't that be a kick in the vagine!

So, again I spin further out of my cozy comfort zone. OMGwhathaveIdone. New chapter for me as a performer? A few classes will tell. Here's to not getting my performing wires-crossed and taking my shirt off during improv. That does not a funny actress make.

Self?

*A club where you scrap everything you know and do something BOLD. Like move across the country during a recession. Members include Cyrus, Jessica and Walter The Dog.

Jessica is attending Sausage Fest.

2009-02-04T16:06:00.007-05:00

This Saturday. At work partner's place. Only a few select humans have been invited. Here's the meaty description we made:

A few of my entries:

celeb sighting: Part Six

2009-02-04T11:04:00.004-05:00

Who? John Slattery
Who the hell is that? Roger Sterling From Mad Men.
Which character is that? You know, the boss. The silver fox.
When? A few weeks ago.
Why'd it take you so long? The sighting was immediately trumped by SJP. I had to give that one some breathing room.
Where? At my office in the common snack area.
What was he doing there? He was being interviewed for something. Couldn't tell what.

Thesis? A pretty awesome sighting because I'm a huge Mad Men fan. Unfortunately, I wasn't donning an outfit that suggested early 60's oppressed female typist, otherwise I would have gotten a photo.

Note: couldn't find any photos where he wasn't day-drinking.

*UPDATE ALERT* I forgot to mention that this actor also played a small role in Sex and the City. It was the second episode of season three, I believe. And if my SATC memory serves, the episode was called "Politically Erect". He plays the congressman that wants Carrie to pull an R. Kelly. You know...drip drip drip.

"The Rock N Roll Specialists"

2009-02-03T17:34:00.004-05:00

Will be the name of my next band.* In case you were wondering.

*Which will happen never.

Prompt: Next

2009-02-03T16:55:00.003-05:00

Here I am in the thick murky gooeyness of "next". And what evil shepherd led such a short, delicate she-lamb to this concrete promise land? That was me. This guy. Self. So what do I see next next? A little pay up on the promise.

You try here and stuff.

Superbowl '08

2009-02-02T14:19:00.003-05:00

A look back at Husband's west-seattle-famous Krispy Kreme Gordo Burgers. American cheese, of course. One second they were there, then they were gone. Delish!

Prompt: Stuff

2009-02-02T10:21:00.003-05:00

Stuff is everywhere. Especially in my junk drawer. Among the stuff, one of the favorite gifts I've ever received lives in in the junk drawer contradicting itself. It is a tiny brass circular stamp dispenser that my grandpa gave me when I graduated from high school. He had filled it with stamps and handed it to me unwrapped. Because I was now grown-up and grown-ups have responsibilities and a lot of those responsibilities have to be mailed through the U.S. Postal Service.

You try here and stuff.

Coulter Pictorial: our apartment.

2009-02-01T21:46:00.028-05:00

Prompt: Energy

2009-01-30T17:04:00.002-05:00

The crisis will be averted when I bring back a vintage mode of transportation: horses. So retro! First, I must paper-mâché disposable glittery horns that are easily applied to your horse of choice. That will get lovely gay boys and burlesque dancers everywhere to help me make the trend official. Then I shall sell minimalist mod fashion saddles on Etsy and write an article on Readymade. That will get me the hipsters. Finally, I will move to Montana and breed horses of all shapes and colors and, with the help of President Obama, provide one horse per one household plus a box of chocolates, because Barack is a hopeless romantic.

You try here and stuff.

Epiphany.

2009-01-30T10:46:00.017-05:00

Doing stuff...is more fun...than not doing stuff.

I know that sounds obvious, but sometimes after eating a delicious meal cooked by husband after an 11 hour workday all a girl wants to go is slam a Heineken Light, throw on some dumpy cozies and watch The L Word. Laziness makes the doing of the stuff rather difficult.

Although the Coulter household has seen several nights like this a week, we have actually mustered up the energy to do something on several occaisions. I would have wrote about them before this, but I was too busy Queing up things on Netflix Instant Watch and wallowing in my own booze + cookie haze. A few highlights from the past few weeks:

Three weekends ago we joined some peeps from my work bowling in Brooklyn. Which, in general, has a nice ring to it. The bowling alley is in Williamsburg and is called "Gutters". Lots of beer and hipsters. Stretch pants everywhere. Don't worry, my first time up to bowl I fell on my ass.

Don't, self.

We followed bowing with some late-night sushi at a joint in Greenpoint where sushi comes with unlimited free hot sake. I simply adore that so many restaurants and bars here have a gimmick. It's necessary to get people to choose you over allll the fafillion places they could snack. Here is a photo I took in the Gutter's bathroom. I took it specifically for my friend Larry who I worked with at that one coffee company. Holla, Bainbridge Island!!!

A couple of Saturdays ago, Husband and I decided to get a little culture. We went to MoMa, walked around and took in some very famous art. The museum is really well designed and there is much to look at. The best exhibits in our eyes featured some ironic bit of art that doesn't really look like art. Wow, that's vague. Here's me doing my best Edie:

WARNING: despite what the thing in my hand is insinuating, I am not, in fact, Jebus. It's a guide for one of the exhibits currently running at MoMA and has nothing to do with the Second Coming. Sorry.

We then countered the art with greasy hamburgers from The Burger Joint. It's a tote hole-in-the-wall place with arguably some of the best burgers in NYC hidden inside a shwanky hotel. You go into the hotel, the bellman sizes you up and asks "you looking for burger joint?". He points you toward this weird curtain in the fancypants lobby:

You then follow the tiny neon hamburger as if it's the white rabbit...

...and the rabbit hole spits you out into a divey little spot with a long wait where you can get the burger OR the cheeseburger and some fries. It was delish.

Last weekend we went with Mr. and Mrs. Partner-from-work to eat ramen and see the EPIC 3-D film My Bloody Valentine. If you are wondering what you should do this weekend, I truly recommend you make a night out of it. We didn't really know what to expect and this shit FAR exceeded our expectations. The movie? It's funny.

Life lesson #289: Funny is only made funnier in 3-D.

We've tried many ramen spots in NYC thus far, and this place probably gets a trophy for 2nd Best (which is an honor considering the 1st Best is like eating magic noodles in fantasy broth). And they had a gimmick! We ordered the "beer set" which was a comically over-sized can of asahi and some spicy fried shrimp. I heart sets! We also, after some double date peer pressure, tried Monkfish Liver for the first time and it was surprisingly yummy. Even though I dropped half of it on the floor (ongoing theme: nyc is fucking with my coordination). It looks kind of like this:

The movie looked kind of like this:

I've also been taking beginning hip hop once a week. It's the hardest hip hop class I've ever braved. 90 minutes of pure gangsta hell, but by the end I usually am feeling the choreography and look half-way decent doing it. Here is a photo that the teacher took of me at class last weekend:

A few blocks from our apartment is Magnolia Bakery. The bakery is usually packed with tourists with a line around the corner because it was featured on Sex and the City and it's right around the corner from the apartment that Carrie Bradshaw "lived" in. Middle-aged ladies from the mid-west go APE SHIT over some cupcakes from this place. They get boxes and boxes to cart on the plane to take home to their cribbage buddies. On quieter nights, we've taken Walter on his walk and stopped in for a couple cupcakes when there's no line. They're pretty tasty, but we've been discovering even better spots of sweet treats. Come visit me and I'll show you.

Tonight The Coulters (sans Walter) are going to hit up a little improv at a comedy theater. More on why later.

ACTING!

Prompt: Inanimate Object

2009-01-29T17:10:00.002-05:00

Navy blue gloves, free water bottle, bright yellow knit wrist warmer (why?), Diet Coke, shiny red cell phone, pirate mouse pad, open salt and pepper packets. One minute is painfully short.

You try here and stuff.

"I'm not working with a woman".

2009-01-29T16:33:00.003-05:00

Dear Internets,

I thought you might like this goat. It is really ecstatic. I'm going to go dry hump on a building now.

Love,

Assface McGee

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Sorry, Starbuckians.

2009-01-28T17:26:00.003-05:00

Yikers. Been there, felt that.

OUCH. And some advice.

My horn can pierce the sky!

2009-01-27T18:28:00.008-05:00

I want to be Princess Unicorn! At the very least for Halloween! But will settle for the doll and in turn settle for the t-shirt! See the magic here!

I love exclaimation points!

!

Magic glitter: missed it by just a few hours.

2009-01-27T18:16:00.004-05:00

Stork Headquarters.

2009-01-27T16:20:00.006-05:00

ATTN: Stork Head of Distribution
RE: Pre-pre-order

To What Avian It May Concern,

As an addendum to my pre-pre-order dated April 1988 when I noted that I would surely be ready for your product by the time I was 25, I would like to extend my "hold" on said order for a future date to be determined. In addition, I would also like to include a few specifications that were overlooked the first time my order was submitted. For the record, and only when the time comes, I would very much like the following visual reference used when filling my order for delivery:

The smaller of the two in particular will do just fine. I realize that, due in part to my husband and I combining our request, that the order may result in having red hair as a prominent feature. Based on the enclosed and aforementioned photo, I approve.

This letter is certainly premature. However, for future reference could you please print and file it under "S" for "Someday".

Sincerely,

J. Coulter